Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Missing my papa.

I decided to write on here for a change. I miss writing a lot, I use to do it all the time. I think it's really healthy for me to have an outlet through my words. Hopefully this doesn't get too livejournal for all of you!

So the past year of my life has had the most change I have ever experienced. It has been a hard one. Filled with many difficult and heart breaking times. However, it has also proved to be filled with the most happy of them, too. Strange how that works huh.

Today marks 6 months since my father passed away. Wow. Has it really been 6 months? That makes me feel very, very weird. I guess it doesn't feel that long to me. I miss him more than I thought I could ever miss anyone. It aches. I look at his photos in my room and sometimes I start to laugh, thinking of how great and funny he was. He really was my best friend. Sometimes I look at the photos and get extremely overwhelmed. This feeling that overcomes my body, mind and soul of complete despair. I don't know, maybe that sounds too melodramatic for all of you, but it's totally true.

Being a person of faith, strong faith in God, I find it strange to be so depressed by loss at times. I think to myself, that I should be so happy that my daddy is with God, that he is not suffering, that he is 'in a better place'. The thing is, I do think all of that, but it doesn't soften the pain for some reason. When I get confused by this, I come to realize, I am just human. I am a daughter who misses her Dad, so so much.

My friend Andrea passed away almost 4 weeks ago. The loss of this friend has broken my heart and taken a toll as well. I suppose in away it brought up a lot of stuff about losing my father that I haven't dealt with yet. Although they had different types of cancer, they had a lot of the same symptoms, were on the same medicines towards then end, had some of the same growths. Cancer is a mean horrible thing and I don't wish it on anyone, ever. It steals away the people I care about, and most likely the ones you care about, too.

Sorry for all the darkness, it's just something I am trying to work through. Grief is something that I have been going through, but is still foreign to me. I have lost a lot of people in this life. I guess just never anyone as close to me as my father. Every new emotion or thought creeps in and at times I have no idea that this is what grieving is. Sometimes it takes someone pointing it out. If any of you have some experience with this, please feel open to share.