30 Days of Thanks... Day 1.

So, it's been a while. I don't feel like writing a whole blog, but I made a deal with my friend Lana to do a "30 days of thanks" list. She always comes up with cool challenges for herself and I liked this one.

It was a pretty good couple months, followed by a crappy start to the winter. I have been in a mood and feel like I've had a hard time looking at the bright side of things. So the deal is, I will write 5 things, daily, that I am thankful for or happy about in life right now.

1. My family - My mom and Josh, I have no idea how they do it, but they deal with me on a daily basis, better than anyone. My mom is the greatest and I owe her so much and I don't know what I'd do without Josh.

2. Michael - He is wonderful and sometimes understands me more than I understand myself. He puts a smile on my face and makes me feel much better about life. He has helped restore a lot of my faith in love.

3. My friends - It's been a rough week or two and I finally had the chance to catch up with them. I have been missing Melissa and Melissa so much these days. I miss a bunch of friends right now. I hoping I'll have off some during the holidays, so I can see everyone. Plus both of them will be home for Christmas/New Years. So crazy!

4. My boots - I don't like winter too much, but getting to wear my boots every day makes me so happy. I know that might sound corny, but I do have some great boots!! I love it.

5. Photographs - I have been reminiscing a lot lately. Looking at photos of my dad, friends that don't live here, current photos, etc. I absolutely love photography, I love capturing a memory or a moment that I will be able to remember later (chances are with my brain, the photo will come in handy). I miss doing photography and decided to start taking more photos, like I used to.

I need you, I don't need you. And all of that jiving around.

So it's been a while since I wrote on here. I am actually in a crappy mood tonight, but I thought maybe writing would help me and hopefully let me take a look at the good stuff that's going on.

So, I last wrote about all the health stuff. Long story short, I have Celiac Disease. I haven't had any gluten since June. I never thought I'd get use to it, but I have adjusted quite a bit. It's definitely easier and cheaper to have gluten in my diet, but it's not an option. I am trying new things, feel a bit healthier and have lost weight, so I guess all in all it's good it was figured out. Still haven't gone back to figure out the heart stuff, but I am getting there.

Work has been super crazy and stressful. I have never been relied on more in my life. I think this is what it must feel like to be a mother. The responsibility I have in his life is frightening, but I am glad to know I am good at this. It's very hard and overwhelming, but nice to know that what I am doing is important and appreciated. I just really feel like I need a vacation that I don't think will ever come.

I met someone and he is wonderful. I thought about not writing about this because I didn't want to jinx anything, but I guess that is stupid. He treats me better than anyone ever has. It's actually surprising to be with someone who genuinely cares, pays attentions, isn't afraid to express his feelings. It's a healthy relationship is what I guess I am trying to say. He gets me, I get him. We make each other laugh. I was so use to being alone and if you know me, you know much I value being alone, but when I am alone now, I wish we were together. In a way it's really terrifying to be in a relationship that is honest and loving and equal, I haven't had that in a really, really long time, if ever. So yea, it's really nice to be happy.

Melissa Farley moved to Arizona. I have really never been good adjusting to change, but I feel like change has been thrown at me all over the place the past few months. I miss her a lot. I am really happy for her, really worried for her, really don't like being that far apart, but I feel like we'll end up in the same place again, hopefully sooner than later (but I am being selfish). Seeing her off, was pretty hard, but I know she is going to do huge things with her life and maybe Philly isn't the place to help her with that right now. Melissa Culbertson was just home for a week which was really great. I miss her being here. She is coming back for two more trips by the end of the year, which is going to be fun. Both Melissa's should be home for Christmas and New Years, which hopefully will be a blast.

So September is coming to an end. Thank the lord. What a ridiculous month. So many birthdays, so many anniversaries of losses. It's a heavy month to say the least. Starts of with my dad's birthday, kind of sets the tone for the month. I miss him so much it's crazy. Then a couple birthdays of people I really care about that are still around, which makes me feel a little better. Then the anniversaries of Josh and Stoney's passing, so depressing. I miss them so much. It's actually quite sad that time doesn't really make that easier. Death is so strange to me. Time seems to heal most wounds, just not those. Then it ends with my birthday, which is Thursday. I am going to be 33. I am seriously getting old, it feels so weird. I didn't feel like this turning 32. People keep saying it doesn't matter cause I look like I'm in my early twenties, which is cool, but makes no difference.

33, I try to remember where I hoped I'd be, but I don't remember anymore. It doesn't matter, I am where I am and I am still okay. I think that's all that matters. I really feel resilient in a way. I feel like I've been through a lot of hell and hardships in my life and I still walk around with my head on somewhat straight. I have my moments of failure, but it could be so much worse. Just gotta keep moving your feet right? I had a birthday party at Drinkers, which I was a little nervous about, but it turned out really well. Just about all the people I really care about came and had a good time. It's nice to know at this point in life everyone can just get together and be happy and there aren't any hard feelings or any drama.

Maybe the point of this was to try to count my blessings, because really today was shit. It sucked on all sorts of levels, but I guess despite it all, I am a very lucky girl.

Xo

It's Alright Ma, (I'm Only Bleeding)

A lot has been going the past few months. I will not touch on all of it, but I'll recap some.

The past month has been a medical whirlwind. I have seen 5 doctors since the middle of May. I originally went to see an Internist because I was having heart problems. He did some tests and told me I have Pernicious Anemia. I don't have any B12 in my system, which really is not a good thing. The age range that Pernicious Anemia usually shows up in people is 65-100 years old, so clearly it's odd that I have it. Anyway, the doctor told me the only solution was to get monthly B12 injections for the rest of my life. Crappy, but easy enough right? Wrong.

I got my B12 shot. Had an allergic reaction, couple days of hell and doctors, I ended up in the ER for hours. That doctor told me to go to a Hematologist to get my blood studied and find out if the diagnosis was correct and also to see a Cardiologist because of my heart. So I did. They both gave me appointments immediately due to the situation, which was pretty cool.

I met with a Hematologist, he did a lot of tests and we talked, I was there for hours. I went back a week later and met with him. He said I have Iron deficient Anemia and Pernicious Anemia (very B12 deficient). He said he wants me to see a GI doctor, but that he is 99% certain I have Celiac Disease. Which would make sense because if you have that and leave it untreated, it can cause the Pernicious Anemia. So my homework is to take certain vitamins and to do a Gluten-free diet until my next appointment in July. He will retest my blood and if it changes, then I have to do that homework everyday for the rest of my life. I shouldn't complain really, Vitamins and no Gluten to feel great and healthy is a fair trade. But so far I am having a hard time with the diet. A few of my friends have Celiac Disease and have given me some pointers. I went food shopping and blew a bunch of money on food that was terrible and I'd easily rather live without it than replace bread, bagels, etc. with it. I am learning, I guess it takes a little time. Plus side is, I really enjoy cooking and baking, so I will certainly get a ton of practice. From what I hear, I will feel better and lose more weight and feel overall much healthier which is nice.

Then I went to the Cardiologist, he is the coolest doctor I think I have ever been to. He ruled. Awesome sense of humor, had me laughing, which was nice. He did a bunch of tests. I was there about 3 hours. He said he thinks I have Tachycardia. My heart skips beats, races, palpitates, etc. My resting heart rate is normally around 120 bpm, which is clearly too high. His exact words for the cause were, "you're fucked up. you're totally imbalanced." Then he laughed. I told him that wasn't the first time I heard that. He said there is some involuntary reason my body is telling my heart that I am in a fight at all times. It's strange. So I have to go back in a week and get two heart tests done. I have to wear a heart monitor for 7 days, 24 hours a day, except to shower, which started two days ago. All in all, it could be worse. After all that is done, I meet with him again to discuss a "game plan".

I met with my internist again. He said he agrees with the Hematologist, that I do have Celiac Disease. He yelled at me.. a lot. He said he thinks I am not taking this seriously. That slipping with the diet is not an option, that I need to suck it up and kiss it all goodbye for good. So that's where I am at. Haven't had any gluten since, taking the vitamins, wearing the heart monitor. He also said he doesn't think I am allergic to the B12 injection, that some of his other patients had that happen, too. So he thinks it's something wrong the supplier put in the injection, so he discontinued business with them. Umm that's scary. Wtf.

It could be much worse. I am actually really glad to have such smart, nice, funny and thorough doctors. I feel like I am in good hands. I also am feeling okay, which is nice. My hope is it all gets figured out and I can start to feel healthy, like normal people healthy, which has a nice sound to it. It's kind of nice to hear these doctors say how surprised they are I've come this far with feeling like this for so long. They say, it won't kill you right now, but it will make you feel miserable and like crap every day. So at least all of it wasn't in my head. Literally every symptom I have ever had most likely is a result of all of this.

The symptoms of all the above include: weakness, fatigue (this symptom is due to your body not having enough red blood cells to carry oxygen to its various parts), an upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, heartburn, abdominal bloating, gas, constipation, diarrhea, loss of appetite, and weight loss. Also causes an abnormally rapid heartbeat, palpitations, and/or chest pains. Tingling and numbness in your hands and feet, muscle weakness, and loss of reflexes, unsteadiness, lose your balance, and have trouble walking. A low red blood cell count also can cause shortness of breath; dizziness, especially when standing up; headache; coldness in your hands or feet; pale skin, gums, and nail beds; and chest pain. It also causes anxiety, panic attacks, depression and insomnia. Severe vitamin B12 deficiency can cause neurological problems, such as confusion, dementia, schizophrenia, and memory loss.

So yea, wild stuff! I am a lucky girl, it could all be worse. I have a great family and great friends and a great job. I have been working my ass off. Which probably sounds weird with all this stuff, but it's true. I worked all last weekend too, so I am really looking forward to having this weekend free. I have more responsibility at work than I think I have ever had in my life. Without sharing too many details, my boss has a health condition that is degenerative. I have become a huge roll in all of his affairs and it's all very complicated, but it's strange having the responsibility I do for someone who isn't my family. i do care about him like he is though. I feel like I was put in this position for a reason.

Overall, I am feeling pretty good, life is good. I really only wrote this so I don't have to explain it to everyone. So much more going on, but don't want to get into it right now. World cup is on. Peace.

If I was young, I'd flee this town. I'd bury my dreams underground.

What a strange couple weeks. Life is good. It's weird. It's confusing. Always throwing curve balls. Life is funny.

So it was really nice out for like a week, so beautiful, then was raining, then got colder, but all in all spring is here, hopefully it just gets better. I am excited. I love when the sun is out. I spend more time outside, spend more time with people. I love it.

I have been working so much, went in early and left late every day this week. All with the thought that I have next week off, but I still don't know what the deal is with that. Surely not a whole week off, but hopefully a few days. I am very excited about that. The break, even if it's small, will be nice to have. Work has been going well though. I really love my job when I am there alone. Get to listen to music, talk to a few friends and get 20 times more work done. It's funny how much more productive I feel when music is playing. It's so true.

I have been going out more lately, this is why spring is great. Breaking free from my hibernation. I needed it though. The winter was a rough one, but it served it's purpose. I have been talking to more people, peeking out of my shell a little more, taking some risks. Some days are real good, some days aren't. That is life, right? I spent a lot of time trying to change my life and the things I use to do. Cut people out and do things differently. I think I ultimately achieved what I was originally shooting for back then, but funny thing is, years later, I don't feel much different. I still care, I still do a lot of the same stuff, still talk to the same people, still worry just as much. I guess we all change, but we all stay the same. I get in less trouble, but my decision making still takes a shit sometimes. It's good to see friends growing and learning, and makes me worry when they stop. I feel lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I just hope my gut is wrong. I am not ready for that.

This past week has been so busy, lots to do, lots of work, lots of seeing friends. Had some funny and interesting conversations about relationships, dating, marriage, cheating, ex's, new prospects, trusting people, monogamy, etc. I love that everyone has different opinions. Some stuff we all agree on, some stuff none of us do. I love how it's all based on what we've went through or what our current situations are. Seems like a lot of people I know in marriages aren't very happy. My longest relationship was about 8 years. I wonder if it's just that people change. I personally think they just get bored and want to see what else is out there. Monogamy sometimes seems like such a foreign idea, something society has made us feel is necessary. I don't mean that in the sense that I think people should cheat, just think it's not so surprising when people want something else. Man does it suck when it's the person you're with though. It's funny how when you're in love and in a serious relationship, you feel like nothing could harm that, like you are two are unstoppable, like the loyalty is endless. I wonder if it's all really an illusion. I wonder if it really does stay that way. My parents were married 39 years when my dad passed away, they stayed together. I just see so many people who don't. Or realistically shouldn't, considering how unhappy they are. I don't say this stuff from a bitter place, just what I see in life. A couple friends of mine seem to think that the way to make it last, that unstoppable bond, is to have open marriages, be swingers, stuff like that. I have no idea. It's funny when I think about it. Right now I like having no ties.

Had a conversation last night about what it's like when you meet someone and they are in a relationship, an unhappy one at that. And it feels like you have all these sparks, but the person is 'taken'. It feels unfair. It makes me wonder what life would really be like if there wasn't this ownership to the people you are with. I guess that's what dating is, huh. It's weird. I am just happy to be spending time with friends and getting to know some people, reconnect with others. Eh, enough writing. I'm over it.

Ever hide something important and not be able to find it again? This is killing me.

Don't I know you better than the rest...

Ah good old Valentine's Day. Did I ever mention how much I don't care for it? I came back from a meeting tonight to my mom watching 'Casablanca'. She said, "Is this on for Valentine's Day? Why do they always show tragic love stories? Or are all love stories tragic?" I said, "If it were up to me, they'd show movies like 'Misery' for Valentine's Day." She laughed and said, "Because love to you is like breaking legs?" My mom is funny. It made me laugh.

So what a crazy couple weeks it's been. Tons and tons of snow. I don't care for snow really. I mean I think it's very pretty when it's falling, but having a few feet of it to shovel and snow you in, is a bit of a bummer. However, on the positive side of it, it has really slowed me down, which may be what I needed. So, yea this winter has brought on some winter blues, some time to try to work through my head. I think I'll feel a little better when spring comes. I miss the sun. I miss being able to just go outside and hang. All in good time, right? I think the winter is just giving me the time I need to focus, and to do what I need to do.

I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I have made, thinking about how I treat people and the things I have done. Sometimes I wonder if karma exists. I wonder if I have gone partially insane at moments in the past. I have lived a strange life. I enjoy it for what it is, I am grateful all of what has happened in my life, did happen. I mean it's made me who I am. I went to see Murder City Devils the other night. What a fantastic show. Probably one of the better shows I've seen in years, one of the better nights I've had in a long time, too. Saw some old friends after, it was a good time, lots of laughing. I think that got this mental ball rolling. Either way, it was fun.

A lot of people close to me are going through some heavy times. They all seem to be relationship related, some past, some current. I feel lucky to have good friends and to be reconnected with a few that had slipped away. I am proud of them that they are working through their troubles. I am glad I can help when I can. I am glad I have them to turn to, too. I was talking to a friend tonight about falling for people and what it is we like in them. He said he likes tragic girls. I've been there. What is it that makes us fall for tragic things? Is it that it makes us feel more needed? Like we can fix whatever the problem is, because I promise you we can't. A good friend of mine is in the beginning of a new relationship, finding all they've wanted in a partner. Someone sweet and caring and attentive. It cracks me up how we all have our tastes, how different some of us are. Another friend tonight, said to me, that he for the first time is alone, without feeling lonely. I said that is a blessing. I have experienced that in the past. It's actually a really nice feeling. Being alone and feeling lonely is when it sucks the most. That I know. We were talking about fear, and how badly it ruins us all. I think I have gotten good control on my anger, on my resentments, but fear, man oh man, fear is a bastard. Just gotta keep working on it I guess. Anyway, enough of this. It just feels good to have some connections again.

Can not stop listening to the new beach house since it came out. Too good.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas Daddy. I miss you more than I can say. Love you.

Fly away.

I woke up from a dream this morning about my father. He decided he wanted to fly again, so I took him to this mini airport and he flew this teeny tiny plane. He had a helmet on with an american flag on it and had a camera hooked to the front. I was up in the air floating watching him fly. He flipped the plane over and flew upside down with his hair flapping in the wind. Kind of like snoopy. It was amazing, it made me really happy. Basically the plane was a go-kart with wings. It ruled. Then we hung out a bit and I woke up. I love seeing him. And seeing him happy is the best. 

xo