1. Water - I actually drink it now. A touch of lemon in it.
2. Hot tea - Love it. I used to drink it non-stop, it's a nice soothing treat.
3. Internet - Seriously what a crazy invention. I've been pretty sick this week and can look for christmas presents, do work, talk to friends, etc all because of this crazy thing.
4. Heating pad - best thing ever.
5. My dvr - I get to watch things I miss and can tape random parts of shows to show Michael.
1. Television - Being able to watch the mind-numbing tv shows that I love when I am sick, actually distracts me. It's great.
2. Back scratches - Love giving them to Mike. Love getting them from him.
3. New tights - I got a new pair of tights yesterday and they are the best. I kinda want to go buy like 5 more pairs. Fancy.
4. Chill work days - I worked on Sunday for the hell of it and today (although feeling awful), my boss was pretty chill. It's a nice change of pace after ALL of last week.
5. Layers - While the people I work with probably think I looked like a bum today, being able to roll into work wearing torn up jeans, boots, shirt, sweater, coat, glove and a hat and wear it all day, is actually enjoy for me.
*Disclaimer - I am surprised I came up with 5 things. Surprised it didn't just say Michael 5 times.
1. Medicine - This goes for anything that brings me relief from being sick. Advil is a pretty cool one. My mom and I discussed last night how crazy it is any of this stuff was ever invented. Nuts.
2. Christmas shopping - Okay maybe just the idea of it. I don't have much money, but I am making myself crazy with ideas. It'd be much more fun if I had some more money and some more time to buy/make things, but I know how good this makes me and other people feel. Yay! My favorite.
3. Gluten free bread - I've been on a GF diet for about 8 months. I have lived without any bread that long. Then I finally found a loaf a bread I enjoy. Just a simple sandwich or toast with coffee is seriously exciting. I love it. I want to bake my own!
4. Hot showers - Seriously might be the greatest thing on earth in the winter. Really could be in one forever if possible.
5. Dreams - Last night I dreamt about my grandmother and father who have both passed away in the past couple years. I dreamt about my friends Josh and Stoney who passed away, too. Considering I didn't sleep long that's crazy. But I like to think they were visiting to say hi. My dad said he likes Mike and is happy I am happy. My grandmother called him 'youthful', it made me laugh so hard I woke up.
1. Patience - I usually feel like I have none, but I am realizing that maybe I have a lot more than I thought. My friends/family have a lot of patience too, dealing with me and listening to me. I am glad I have so much patience dealing with my boss and life in general. It's getting me through.
2. Being sober - I am slightly amazed that even with days like yesterday I am not out drinking or taking pills or something. Somewhere my head thinks it'd help, but I really know it wouldn't. I am glad I know the things I do.
3. Dan/Matt - It is really good to have such good guys in my life that I can talk to on a daily basis. Seriously amazing men that can make me laugh like crazy, that I know truly care and would do anything for me if I needed their help. They have both been in my life so long and it goes without saying how much I appreciate them. Not to mention I'd be there for them both in a heartbeat.
4. Distance/time - It's nice to get a way from things that have hurt me long enough that I can start to let them go. I am not sure if it's complete forgiveness, but it slowly gets there. Looking back on things and not being filled with total hate is a good feeling. Even remembering good things while looking back is a blessing.
5. My bed - Honestly the best thing I ever purchased. Simply put. It is like heaven.
1. Seeing Mike's face tonight. I have been a nutcase this week and I went to see him and realized I just missed him a whole lot. It was actually one of the nicest feelings I have had in so long. Being cranky/sad and then realizing it's because you miss the man you love. It's great. Seriously great.
2. My job - While I tend to have pretty stressful days there, I am so grateful I have money to pay my bills and survive. Hopefully getting a raise soon. Today was a good day. No real work stress. Boss goes on vacation soon, which means I work alone! I love this!
3. Music - I had to go to the dentist today, which I wasn't happy about. He listens to classic rock in there and it always calms me down. Been listening to some Xmas music while in the car and then switched over to Fleetwood Mac, it just really shifted me into a great mood. Seriously love music.
4. Christmas & the coming weeks - I feel like there is so much coming up in the next few weeks that I am excited about. Both Melissa's will be in town. Josh will be home and done his traveling. Mike is recording. MWY shows coming up. My boss is going on vacation. Christmas!! which means presents and hangouts and parties and love and fun! Not sure what is going on for NYE, but I am excited to actually be with the people I love.
5. Finding things - Last night I found bags of knee socks, thigh highs, tights and leg warmers. It was like I hit the lottery! I couldn't find them and it was making me crazy! I found my other bag of scarves, hats and gloves! And two of my winter coats. Seriously it was so great. I also found 3 trash bags full of clothes to give to Salvation Army and a TV, a cabinet and a cd rack to give away, too. All because I took the time to clean the spare room out. Good times!
So, it's been a while. I don't feel like writing a whole blog, but I made a deal with my friend Lana to do a "30 days of thanks" list. She always comes up with cool challenges for herself and I liked this one.
It was a pretty good couple months, followed by a crappy start to the winter. I have been in a mood and feel like I've had a hard time looking at the bright side of things. So the deal is, I will write 5 things, daily, that I am thankful for or happy about in life right now.
1. My family - My mom and Josh, I have no idea how they do it, but they deal with me on a daily basis, better than anyone. My mom is the greatest and I owe her so much and I don't know what I'd do without Josh.
2. Michael - He is wonderful and sometimes understands me more than I understand myself. He puts a smile on my face and makes me feel much better about life. He has helped restore a lot of my faith in love.
3. My friends - It's been a rough week or two and I finally had the chance to catch up with them. I have been missing Melissa and Melissa so much these days. I miss a bunch of friends right now. I hoping I'll have off some during the holidays, so I can see everyone. Plus both of them will be home for Christmas/New Years. So crazy!
4. My boots - I don't like winter too much, but getting to wear my boots every day makes me so happy. I know that might sound corny, but I do have some great boots!! I love it.
5. Photographs - I have been reminiscing a lot lately. Looking at photos of my dad, friends that don't live here, current photos, etc. I absolutely love photography, I love capturing a memory or a moment that I will be able to remember later (chances are with my brain, the photo will come in handy). I miss doing photography and decided to start taking more photos, like I used to.
So it's been a while since I wrote on here. I am actually in a crappy mood tonight, but I thought maybe writing would help me and hopefully let me take a look at the good stuff that's going on.
So, I last wrote about all the health stuff. Long story short, I have Celiac Disease. I haven't had any gluten since June. I never thought I'd get use to it, but I have adjusted quite a bit. It's definitely easier and cheaper to have gluten in my diet, but it's not an option. I am trying new things, feel a bit healthier and have lost weight, so I guess all in all it's good it was figured out. Still haven't gone back to figure out the heart stuff, but I am getting there.
Work has been super crazy and stressful. I have never been relied on more in my life. I think this is what it must feel like to be a mother. The responsibility I have in his life is frightening, but I am glad to know I am good at this. It's very hard and overwhelming, but nice to know that what I am doing is important and appreciated. I just really feel like I need a vacation that I don't think will ever come.
I met someone and he is wonderful. I thought about not writing about this because I didn't want to jinx anything, but I guess that is stupid. He treats me better than anyone ever has. It's actually surprising to be with someone who genuinely cares, pays attentions, isn't afraid to express his feelings. It's a healthy relationship is what I guess I am trying to say. He gets me, I get him. We make each other laugh. I was so use to being alone and if you know me, you know much I value being alone, but when I am alone now, I wish we were together. In a way it's really terrifying to be in a relationship that is honest and loving and equal, I haven't had that in a really, really long time, if ever. So yea, it's really nice to be happy.
Melissa Farley moved to Arizona. I have really never been good adjusting to change, but I feel like change has been thrown at me all over the place the past few months. I miss her a lot. I am really happy for her, really worried for her, really don't like being that far apart, but I feel like we'll end up in the same place again, hopefully sooner than later (but I am being selfish). Seeing her off, was pretty hard, but I know she is going to do huge things with her life and maybe Philly isn't the place to help her with that right now. Melissa Culbertson was just home for a week which was really great. I miss her being here. She is coming back for two more trips by the end of the year, which is going to be fun. Both Melissa's should be home for Christmas and New Years, which hopefully will be a blast.
So September is coming to an end. Thank the lord. What a ridiculous month. So many birthdays, so many anniversaries of losses. It's a heavy month to say the least. Starts of with my dad's birthday, kind of sets the tone for the month. I miss him so much it's crazy. Then a couple birthdays of people I really care about that are still around, which makes me feel a little better. Then the anniversaries of Josh and Stoney's passing, so depressing. I miss them so much. It's actually quite sad that time doesn't really make that easier. Death is so strange to me. Time seems to heal most wounds, just not those. Then it ends with my birthday, which is Thursday. I am going to be 33. I am seriously getting old, it feels so weird. I didn't feel like this turning 32. People keep saying it doesn't matter cause I look like I'm in my early twenties, which is cool, but makes no difference.
33, I try to remember where I hoped I'd be, but I don't remember anymore. It doesn't matter, I am where I am and I am still okay. I think that's all that matters. I really feel resilient in a way. I feel like I've been through a lot of hell and hardships in my life and I still walk around with my head on somewhat straight. I have my moments of failure, but it could be so much worse. Just gotta keep moving your feet right? I had a birthday party at Drinkers, which I was a little nervous about, but it turned out really well. Just about all the people I really care about came and had a good time. It's nice to know at this point in life everyone can just get together and be happy and there aren't any hard feelings or any drama.
Maybe the point of this was to try to count my blessings, because really today was shit. It sucked on all sorts of levels, but I guess despite it all, I am a very lucky girl.
Xo
