Sunday, February 14, 2010

Don't I know you better than the rest...

Ah good old Valentine's Day. Did I ever mention how much I don't care for it? I came back from a meeting tonight to my mom watching 'Casablanca'. She said, "Is this on for Valentine's Day? Why do they always show tragic love stories? Or are all love stories tragic?" I said, "If it were up to me, they'd show movies like 'Misery' for Valentine's Day." She laughed and said, "Because love to you is like breaking legs?" My mom is funny. It made me laugh.

So what a crazy couple weeks it's been. Tons and tons of snow. I don't care for snow really. I mean I think it's very pretty when it's falling, but having a few feet of it to shovel and snow you in, is a bit of a bummer. However, on the positive side of it, it has really slowed me down, which may be what I needed. So, yea this winter has brought on some winter blues, some time to try to work through my head. I think I'll feel a little better when spring comes. I miss the sun. I miss being able to just go outside and hang. All in good time, right? I think the winter is just giving me the time I need to focus, and to do what I need to do.

I've been thinking a lot about the decisions I have made, thinking about how I treat people and the things I have done. Sometimes I wonder if karma exists. I wonder if I have gone partially insane at moments in the past. I have lived a strange life. I enjoy it for what it is, I am grateful all of what has happened in my life, did happen. I mean it's made me who I am. I went to see Murder City Devils the other night. What a fantastic show. Probably one of the better shows I've seen in years, one of the better nights I've had in a long time, too. Saw some old friends after, it was a good time, lots of laughing. I think that got this mental ball rolling. Either way, it was fun.

A lot of people close to me are going through some heavy times. They all seem to be relationship related, some past, some current. I feel lucky to have good friends and to be reconnected with a few that had slipped away. I am proud of them that they are working through their troubles. I am glad I can help when I can. I am glad I have them to turn to, too. I was talking to a friend tonight about falling for people and what it is we like in them. He said he likes tragic girls. I've been there. What is it that makes us fall for tragic things? Is it that it makes us feel more needed? Like we can fix whatever the problem is, because I promise you we can't. A good friend of mine is in the beginning of a new relationship, finding all they've wanted in a partner. Someone sweet and caring and attentive. It cracks me up how we all have our tastes, how different some of us are. Another friend tonight, said to me, that he for the first time is alone, without feeling lonely. I said that is a blessing. I have experienced that in the past. It's actually a really nice feeling. Being alone and feeling lonely is when it sucks the most. That I know. We were talking about fear, and how badly it ruins us all. I think I have gotten good control on my anger, on my resentments, but fear, man oh man, fear is a bastard. Just gotta keep working on it I guess. Anyway, enough of this. It just feels good to have some connections again.

Can not stop listening to the new beach house since it came out. Too good.