One year later.

Friday was the one year anniversary of my father's death. What a weird feeling that is. I got up, hung around, went over Danny's house to babysit his boys, Ant and Nick for a couple hours. I picked them up from school and then went to McDonalds. We hung there for a bit and went back to the house. They played with their friends and I hung with Danny. It was a good time.

After that, I went home. Mark, my brother, Jess, my mom, my aunt, my uncle and my cousin came over. We ate pizza and talked. We watched wife swap. To be honest, I kind of just felt socially retarded the whole time. I could not have felt more awkward. I guess I just had an idea of how to spend that day and it wasn't what it turned out to be. I guess overall, I can write on here til I am blue in the face, but I am private who I want to share this with in person. I guess the whole thing freaks me out. Like wow one year. I started thinking about while we all watched tv. Thinking, a year ago I watched my dad die. I watched him lay there still for a bit. I kissed him. I watched them put him in a body bag. These things haunt me. I think they will for a lifetime.

The topic of celebrating his life instead of his death came up. I guess it just makes me feel the whole in my heart, that I feel every single day, just that much more. There is more attention brought on it and I want to express how I felt about him. I wanted to get tattooed for it, but didn't. You know what I really wanted?? I wanted my dad back. That is it. And I can't have that. So that's that.

Anyway, I thought I'd share about him. Try to celebrate him a little. He was the funniest person I had ever known. He was a hard worker, a phenomenal father, a wonderful best friend, an amazing husband. He loved motorcycles, cars, boats, tools, making things, cooking, baking, and more than almost anything, hanging with my dog. I don't think he ever judged me once in his life and if he did, I never knew it. He was like that for everyone. He let me do what I wanted, trusting my judgement, even at times knowing it was bad, but trusting me to fix it. He was always there when I needed him without fail. He made me tons of mix cds. We bought our cars together at the same time. He hung with my friends. We went shopping. We cooked. We hung all the time.

When I was a kid, he use to take us to the shore. I was going back and forth across the monkey bars over and over one summer, he kept talking in this voice like a sports announcer. "And here she goes! Another round. Nothing can stop her. She's the best at her sport!" I stopped lifted up something off my hand and said, "Daddy what's this?" He yelled, "Skin!" And brought me home to bandage it up. I wasn't even scared, we just laughed about it. I never wanted to stop with him.

He taught me about love. He and my mom, are why I love to love so much. They were married 39 years! So wild. I will be indebted to them forever for what love the showed me and each other. For how much the stuck through together. I know I am lucky for that. I wish everyone could have that type of love.

He had a lung disease while I was growing up. Had a million different surgeries, from his stomach, to his double lung transplant to a kidney transplant... He was unstoppable. The power, faith and strength he had could make anyone in awe of him. I hope I got some of that from him. That is what he taught me. Hurdles are for jumping. Never give up faith. Never accept no. I think that is why watching him battle cancer until it took him from me, broke my heart so much. It was hard to accept there was one hurdle to high.

I know he is Heaven. I know he is with my dog Zoe, his family, friends and my mom's family. I am sure he's having a blast. Probably making me mix cds to listen to when I get up there. If you didn't get to meet him and wanted to. Just hang with me and Josh. You'll know him. I'll never be anything, but my daddy's little girl.

Rest in peace dad. I miss you more than anything in life. xo

Devils and Dust.

So it's the new year and I am feeling a little blue. I guess I put too much pressure on it making up for how hard last year was. The truth is, in about 3 weeks (January 30th) is the 1 year anniversary of my father's death. The weather outside, the color of the sky, the rain and snow mix, all of it just brings me right back to sitting long hours in my living room, taking care of my dad up til the day of watching him pass. It's hard.

A lot of good things have been going on lately. Mark and I are doing really well. Christmas was great. My mom is doing well. Josh and Jess are happy. I have had the chance to talk to Jen and Farley more. Melissa C. is coming home in 3 weeks! All good stuff. Mark and I are looking for a place to live, which is fun and strange.

I have heard about a lot of sad stuff going on, too. A lot of death and illness. I of course can't help, but think to myself, 'man that was me last year saying all of this sad news'. I guess it's normal for me to be having a hard time. I mean when my grandmother passed away, I was sad, and on her anniversaries I'd go to her grave and sit and talk, and pray, I still do. The thing is, my dad was cremated, his ashes are in my dining room, so I am at a loss for these things. His birthday, father's day, Christmas, Channakuh, his anniversary of his death, good times, bad times, just when I want to talk... I wish I had a place to go. I am not sure what to do with myself for these things. I mean, I do talk to him, every single day, but I want to do something special for this stuff. Is that silly? Am I making it worse by wanting that? Is it too much pressure? I have to respect that he didn't want to be buried, but I just don't know what to do. So that's the stuff on my mind.

I was watching the L Word season 2 the past week or so, just cause I never saw it. Turns out Bette's dad gets Prostate Cancer and is dying. She brings him home to care for him. Then after a bit, he dies. It's quite heartbreaking to watch, but all too familiar. I have spent some time crying. I guess it helps. The people close to me who have been in the same boat, have told me frankly, it doesn't get easier. You may get more use to it, but it never really softens. I see this to be true. I just miss my dad so much. Losing a best friend is simply not easy. I wish I had something profound to say, but I don't. Just that I miss him and I hurt.

I have wonderful people around me and I am lucky for that. I know my dad looks after me every day and I am lucky for that, too. I see him in my mom, my brother and even Mark, that is a nice thing. He and Mark have some crazy similarities, I like that.

I miss church. I guess I am confused where that is involved. I grew up going to Catholic Church. all the time. I loved it, but as I got older I didn't like that I was alone in it. I mean my mother is Catholic and I had her, but I wanted community. After a while I started going to Circle. It really felt like what I was missing. After some time, I stopped going, took a break if you will, and then eventually went back. When my father got sick, I pulled away again and since he died, I think I've been there like 3 times. I am not exactly sure why. Sometimes I left feeling distant from God and the people, feeling like I didn't gain anything, sometimes I felt like it was too clicky and too social, leaving me feeling like the connection to God wasn't part of the time there. I stepped back. Haven't talked to anyone about it. Truth is, I did this with a lot of things in my life since my dad died. I've pulled away from certain friends, I've pulled away from certain commitments, I've pulled away from social events (not all, but some), and also church. This isn't to say that I am being anti-social or am harboring resentment to these things. I don't think I am. I have pushed my focus on to other things, my family, my job, my relationship, my very close friendships, Mark's family, and of course God. I still pray all the time. I guess I just feel that void again and want to fill it. Mark and I have talked about it. I guess now is time to do something about it. I hope I haven't offended anyone with this distance. I just had my heart ripped out after I watched my dad suffer and pass and grief is a tricky thing.

I appreciate all the good in my life. I am very grateful. I am thankful I have a good job that is letting my pay my bills and help my mom. I am thankful I have the most wonderful people to love and support me, who let me love and support them. I am filled with fear half the time and I want that removed more than I have ever wanted anything. Don't feel bad for me, I am okay. Just need to express this stuff. I have no idea who even reads this besides maybe Ben, Danny and Joshua but I do love you all and if you have anything to share, by all means, share with me. So I am going to stop for now. Til next time. xo

Night in the ER with my love.

So earlier tonight I was taking a nap in bed, woke up because Mark was flipping all over scratching himself. He said he was itchy. After a bit I got up and looked at his back, he had hives. He started to hyperventilate and said he couldn't breath. He got real hot so we went downstairs and opened the door, my mom came down and checked him out. He turned white and passed out on the couch. After some deliberation (that of which he thought meant I wasn't worried, when really I was completely freaking out, just didn't want to panic him more) we decided to go to CVS to get Benedryl instead of the ER.... While at CVS, benedryl in hand, I came to the car and he said he couldn't really swallow or breathe (my throat feels weird, he said)... I drove to the ER. Couldn't mess with that, ya know.

He told his symptoms and the took him right away. They gave him an IV of benedryl and pepcid and a bag of fluids. He passed out again. He looked exactly like a cherry tomato. Bright red craziness. We were there a few hours, the benedryl knocked him out. Turns out he took one of my antibiotics earlier this evening, and he had an allergic reaction to that. Surprised they didn't lock me up! The ladies all swooned over him and his tattoos, which I am sure made him feel better. He is in bed now sleeping. I can't sleep because I can't stop watching him.

Let me say this, if anything ever happened to him I would lose it! He is the love of my life. I find great pleasure in being with him and making him happy. I never want anything bad to happen to him ever. It broke my heart to see him unwell. Oh did I mention he started convulsing? I went outside and cried. My poor baby. Man, I love him. I think this what my Mom felt for my Dad. It all makes sense to me now. I hope he knows I will never leave his side. Ever. No matter what. He is a wonderful part of my world, such a huge part and I love ever piece of it. He means everything to me. If you could have seen what this man has done for me, especially when my Dad died, he is incredible. He makes me laugh and smile and feel loved. My dad would be so proud of him, I know he is. I love him more than I can express with words.

Get well Mark. I love you.

Ps. Danny, thank you so much for talking to me. I love that I can count on you when things happen. Mark does, too.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas Daddy. I miss you more than I can say. Love you.

Lookin back again.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Lost my dad and my dog. Sad, but true. Work in a hair salon. Been in the best relationship. Got frye boots. Rode on danny's bike with him, next to Mark. Probably a bunch of things.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Never made one this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Kevin. Well umm I mean Karen gave birth.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My father, Paul Bender. And my pup, Zoe. And my friend, Andrea. What the hell man.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just this one.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More peace, less loss. More money, a new apartment, a fixed up house for my Mom.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 30th when my father passed away.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmm, healing a little. Laughing more. Loving more. Getting a job I really like and not fucking it up, more responsible with my money. More responsible with a lot of things. Video chatting with Melissa. Communicating better.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't like to measure things in failures.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ugh, I am sick right now! Like 100 times. Although I eat more normally now, so hopefully that's helping my health.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Mark new handlebars for his motorcycle. They made him happy. And the 100 christmas presents I got for people.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Most of it went to the IRS in the beginning of the year, the rest to paying down debt and buying random presents. Oh and Gas! And.. well... Christmas and Mark's birthday. I have zero self control when it comes to buying people I love gifts.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Things looking up instead of down. How well Mark and I have been doing, that's awesome. Seeing Melissa. Oh and paychecks.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Have a little faith in me". Really the whole mix I played at my dad's funeral.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter?
Eh I go back and forth. Probably the same.

18. Richer or poorer?
Richer in many ways. Poorer only in the loss department.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hung with my mom. Helped fix up the house. Told my dad I loved him another 1 million times. I know he knew that, but it's a nice thing to do. Take note, always tell the people you love, just how much you love them. You won't regret it.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Resentments.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas Eve I am working and then going to Mark's grandparents house. Then Christmas day at my house.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fall in love with him all over again, over and over.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Sons of Anarchy and LOST.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah I hated them then, too. I kid, I kid.

26. What was the best book you read?
That Big one.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Well it's not the club music I hear at work, but I like all the same stuff still.

28. What did you want and get?
Love. A little more peace.

29. What did you want and not get?
Another puppy.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pineapple Express and maybe The Strangers.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had dinner at my Aunt's house. 31.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My dad being healthy and not dying.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Same shit I always wear, with more boots.

34. What kept you sane?
God. My mom, Mark, Josh, Melissa C, Jen, Danny and Farley.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
James Franco.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Ugh.

37. Who did you miss?
My papa and zo zo.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
A few people.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
That it's important to be there for people when it really counts. That it's okay to lean on people and ask for help.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"A hard rains gonna fall" and "Let there be love".

Fly away.

I woke up from a dream this morning about my father. He decided he wanted to fly again, so I took him to this mini airport and he flew this teeny tiny plane. He had a helmet on with an american flag on it and had a camera hooked to the front. I was up in the air floating watching him fly. He flipped the plane over and flew upside down with his hair flapping in the wind. Kind of like snoopy. It was amazing, it made me really happy. Basically the plane was a go-kart with wings. It ruled. Then we hung out a bit and I woke up. I love seeing him. And seeing him happy is the best. 

xo

dreaming.

So I had a dream this last night that I was in Italy with Melissa Culbertson. I was in the middle of talking to an old friend, when Melissa came up to me and said, "Jenni I just saw your grandfather and he wants to see you." I said, "Oh awesome! Take me to him, I want to see him now." We walked through the streets of Italy (which was beautiful by the way) and ended up at this really old church. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in years and got into a small talk. I said, "I have to go now, I am about to see my grandfather whom I haven't seen since 1985." (Ps that is the year he died in real life) I turned around and the doors to the church opened. My grandfather came out, looking exactly as the last time I saw him. Extremely handsome, a clean cut Italian man. He jumped down the steps and started doing this silly dance of excitement, ran over to me and picked me up in his arms kissing me on the cheek and dancing in circles. We were both so happy and then I said to myself... "wait how is this possible, he's dead." Then I stopped and looked up at him and it was my dad. I started balling my eyes out and hugging him. He said, "I miss you. I miss my baby." I couldn't stop crying, it went into sobbing and squeezing him, saying "Daddy please don't go! I miss you so much!" He said, "I do too sweety, I love you so much." I told him I loved him, too. He started sobbing as we embraced so tight and BAM I woke up. I woke up balling my damn eyes out.

So.... here we have it. These dreams really screw me up. Although as much as they make me sad the rest of the day, it's worth it to see him. But here's the question. Do any of you believe it's real? And that he came to see me in my dream? Or do you just think it's my mind going through it's stupid grief. Be honest. Oh and if you tell me it's just a dream and grief, the next time I see you I may punch you in the face.

Enjoy.