Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I need you, I don't need you. And all of that jiving around.

So it's been a while since I wrote on here. I am actually in a crappy mood tonight, but I thought maybe writing would help me and hopefully let me take a look at the good stuff that's going on.

So, I last wrote about all the health stuff. Long story short, I have Celiac Disease. I haven't had any gluten since June. I never thought I'd get use to it, but I have adjusted quite a bit. It's definitely easier and cheaper to have gluten in my diet, but it's not an option. I am trying new things, feel a bit healthier and have lost weight, so I guess all in all it's good it was figured out. Still haven't gone back to figure out the heart stuff, but I am getting there.

Work has been super crazy and stressful. I have never been relied on more in my life. I think this is what it must feel like to be a mother. The responsibility I have in his life is frightening, but I am glad to know I am good at this. It's very hard and overwhelming, but nice to know that what I am doing is important and appreciated. I just really feel like I need a vacation that I don't think will ever come.

I met someone and he is wonderful. I thought about not writing about this because I didn't want to jinx anything, but I guess that is stupid. He treats me better than anyone ever has. It's actually surprising to be with someone who genuinely cares, pays attentions, isn't afraid to express his feelings. It's a healthy relationship is what I guess I am trying to say. He gets me, I get him. We make each other laugh. I was so use to being alone and if you know me, you know much I value being alone, but when I am alone now, I wish we were together. In a way it's really terrifying to be in a relationship that is honest and loving and equal, I haven't had that in a really, really long time, if ever. So yea, it's really nice to be happy.

Melissa Farley moved to Arizona. I have really never been good adjusting to change, but I feel like change has been thrown at me all over the place the past few months. I miss her a lot. I am really happy for her, really worried for her, really don't like being that far apart, but I feel like we'll end up in the same place again, hopefully sooner than later (but I am being selfish). Seeing her off, was pretty hard, but I know she is going to do huge things with her life and maybe Philly isn't the place to help her with that right now. Melissa Culbertson was just home for a week which was really great. I miss her being here. She is coming back for two more trips by the end of the year, which is going to be fun. Both Melissa's should be home for Christmas and New Years, which hopefully will be a blast.

So September is coming to an end. Thank the lord. What a ridiculous month. So many birthdays, so many anniversaries of losses. It's a heavy month to say the least. Starts of with my dad's birthday, kind of sets the tone for the month. I miss him so much it's crazy. Then a couple birthdays of people I really care about that are still around, which makes me feel a little better. Then the anniversaries of Josh and Stoney's passing, so depressing. I miss them so much. It's actually quite sad that time doesn't really make that easier. Death is so strange to me. Time seems to heal most wounds, just not those. Then it ends with my birthday, which is Thursday. I am going to be 33. I am seriously getting old, it feels so weird. I didn't feel like this turning 32. People keep saying it doesn't matter cause I look like I'm in my early twenties, which is cool, but makes no difference.

33, I try to remember where I hoped I'd be, but I don't remember anymore. It doesn't matter, I am where I am and I am still okay. I think that's all that matters. I really feel resilient in a way. I feel like I've been through a lot of hell and hardships in my life and I still walk around with my head on somewhat straight. I have my moments of failure, but it could be so much worse. Just gotta keep moving your feet right? I had a birthday party at Drinkers, which I was a little nervous about, but it turned out really well. Just about all the people I really care about came and had a good time. It's nice to know at this point in life everyone can just get together and be happy and there aren't any hard feelings or any drama.

Maybe the point of this was to try to count my blessings, because really today was shit. It sucked on all sorts of levels, but I guess despite it all, I am a very lucky girl.