Saturday, March 27, 2010

If I was young, I'd flee this town. I'd bury my dreams underground.

What a strange couple weeks. Life is good. It's weird. It's confusing. Always throwing curve balls. Life is funny.

So it was really nice out for like a week, so beautiful, then was raining, then got colder, but all in all spring is here, hopefully it just gets better. I am excited. I love when the sun is out. I spend more time outside, spend more time with people. I love it.

I have been working so much, went in early and left late every day this week. All with the thought that I have next week off, but I still don't know what the deal is with that. Surely not a whole week off, but hopefully a few days. I am very excited about that. The break, even if it's small, will be nice to have. Work has been going well though. I really love my job when I am there alone. Get to listen to music, talk to a few friends and get 20 times more work done. It's funny how much more productive I feel when music is playing. It's so true.

I have been going out more lately, this is why spring is great. Breaking free from my hibernation. I needed it though. The winter was a rough one, but it served it's purpose. I have been talking to more people, peeking out of my shell a little more, taking some risks. Some days are real good, some days aren't. That is life, right? I spent a lot of time trying to change my life and the things I use to do. Cut people out and do things differently. I think I ultimately achieved what I was originally shooting for back then, but funny thing is, years later, I don't feel much different. I still care, I still do a lot of the same stuff, still talk to the same people, still worry just as much. I guess we all change, but we all stay the same. I get in less trouble, but my decision making still takes a shit sometimes. It's good to see friends growing and learning, and makes me worry when they stop. I feel lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I just hope my gut is wrong. I am not ready for that.

This past week has been so busy, lots to do, lots of work, lots of seeing friends. Had some funny and interesting conversations about relationships, dating, marriage, cheating, ex's, new prospects, trusting people, monogamy, etc. I love that everyone has different opinions. Some stuff we all agree on, some stuff none of us do. I love how it's all based on what we've went through or what our current situations are. Seems like a lot of people I know in marriages aren't very happy. My longest relationship was about 8 years. I wonder if it's just that people change. I personally think they just get bored and want to see what else is out there. Monogamy sometimes seems like such a foreign idea, something society has made us feel is necessary. I don't mean that in the sense that I think people should cheat, just think it's not so surprising when people want something else. Man does it suck when it's the person you're with though. It's funny how when you're in love and in a serious relationship, you feel like nothing could harm that, like you are two are unstoppable, like the loyalty is endless. I wonder if it's all really an illusion. I wonder if it really does stay that way. My parents were married 39 years when my dad passed away, they stayed together. I just see so many people who don't. Or realistically shouldn't, considering how unhappy they are. I don't say this stuff from a bitter place, just what I see in life. A couple friends of mine seem to think that the way to make it last, that unstoppable bond, is to have open marriages, be swingers, stuff like that. I have no idea. It's funny when I think about it. Right now I like having no ties.

Had a conversation last night about what it's like when you meet someone and they are in a relationship, an unhappy one at that. And it feels like you have all these sparks, but the person is 'taken'. It feels unfair. It makes me wonder what life would really be like if there wasn't this ownership to the people you are with. I guess that's what dating is, huh. It's weird. I am just happy to be spending time with friends and getting to know some people, reconnect with others. Eh, enough writing. I'm over it.

Ever hide something important and not be able to find it again? This is killing me.