Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas Daddy. I miss you more than I can say. Love you.

Fly away.

I woke up from a dream this morning about my father. He decided he wanted to fly again, so I took him to this mini airport and he flew this teeny tiny plane. He had a helmet on with an american flag on it and had a camera hooked to the front. I was up in the air floating watching him fly. He flipped the plane over and flew upside down with his hair flapping in the wind. Kind of like snoopy. It was amazing, it made me really happy. Basically the plane was a go-kart with wings. It ruled. Then we hung out a bit and I woke up. I love seeing him. And seeing him happy is the best. 

xo

dreaming.

So I had a dream this last night that I was in Italy with Melissa Culbertson. I was in the middle of talking to an old friend, when Melissa came up to me and said, "Jenni I just saw your grandfather and he wants to see you." I said, "Oh awesome! Take me to him, I want to see him now." We walked through the streets of Italy (which was beautiful by the way) and ended up at this really old church. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in years and got into a small talk. I said, "I have to go now, I am about to see my grandfather whom I haven't seen since 1985." (Ps that is the year he died in real life) I turned around and the doors to the church opened. My grandfather came out, looking exactly as the last time I saw him. Extremely handsome, a clean cut Italian man. He jumped down the steps and started doing this silly dance of excitement, ran over to me and picked me up in his arms kissing me on the cheek and dancing in circles. We were both so happy and then I said to myself... "wait how is this possible, he's dead." Then I stopped and looked up at him and it was my dad. I started balling my eyes out and hugging him. He said, "I miss you. I miss my baby." I couldn't stop crying, it went into sobbing and squeezing him, saying "Daddy please don't go! I miss you so much!" He said, "I do too sweety, I love you so much." I told him I loved him, too. He started sobbing as we embraced so tight and BAM I woke up. I woke up balling my damn eyes out.

So.... here we have it. These dreams really screw me up. Although as much as they make me sad the rest of the day, it's worth it to see him. But here's the question. Do any of you believe it's real? And that he came to see me in my dream? Or do you just think it's my mind going through it's stupid grief. Be honest. Oh and if you tell me it's just a dream and grief, the next time I see you I may punch you in the face.

Enjoy.

Happy 40th Anniversary Mom and Dad.

Today is my parents 40th wedding anniversary. I wish my dad was alive to see it, but I know he does, I know he's with my mom right now in spirit.

40 years. I haven't even been alive that long and that's how long my parents were married (just shy of), let alone they dated for 2 years prior. I am in awe of the commitment they shared. My mom spoke a little of it tonight. To sum some of it up, this is her take on marriage and how they lasted that long.

"The only way I see marriage working and the way our marriage lasted was this, it has to be two people who are completely committed to the union of forever. There has to be a constant consideration of each other and the commitment they made. It can't have one person who is offensive to the other or to their commitment to each other. Sure there are rough times, but it is very important for both people involved to be moving towards that goal of 'forever' together."

She spoke more about it, but I kind of want to keep that for myself (and Josh). I have been blessed in life, being raised by parents who actually stayed together. I know I am lucky to have that. I wish everyone did. I like the idea of moving towards forever together. I miss my dad.

Here's to forever. Happy 40th Anniversary Mom and Dad. xoxo

.............

i miss my dad and it sucks. it really fucking sucks and my heart hurts a lot tonight.

Came home to a dead squirrel...

So I came home from work tonight, after a long day, bad headache, food shopping. I put the food away. Went in the basement to get my clothes out of the dryer from the night before. At the bottom of the steps, I stopped and stared at the heater. I had to get closer. What did I see? That's right, a dead squirrel. I looked at it for a good 2 minutes before screaming up to my Mom to come down the basement. She came down, screamed, stared and ran away. It was hilarious. So we decided there was no way around it, no men around, we had to get rid of it ourselves. I got a plastic bag from swiss farms and a broom. Right before we did it, my Mom told me to get my camera and take a picture for Josh. So we had a photo shoot with the dead squirrel. Even holding up a tea cooler bottle to demonstrate the size. I held one end of the bag, she held the other and we brushed the dead animal into the bag, as that happened, something rolled off. I thought it was his head. I screamed, cried in hysterical laughter and almost peed. Turns out it was a dead bird. WTF. I guess the squirrel caught him outside? Who knows. Just adding to the freaking weirdness. It felt like a David Lynch movie. After I stopped laughing I took the dead duo to the sewer. I know, gross, but what the hell was I supposed to do? Don't answer that. Laugh with me. I know my Dad is probably up in Heaven with my Grandfather pissing himself laughing at us. That if anything, makes me very happy. Enjoy the flics.

Missing my papa.

I decided to write on here for a change. I miss writing a lot, I use to do it all the time. I think it's really healthy for me to have an outlet through my words. Hopefully this doesn't get too livejournal for all of you!

So the past year of my life has had the most change I have ever experienced. It has been a hard one. Filled with many difficult and heart breaking times. However, it has also proved to be filled with the most happy of them, too. Strange how that works huh.

Today marks 6 months since my father passed away. Wow. Has it really been 6 months? That makes me feel very, very weird. I guess it doesn't feel that long to me. I miss him more than I thought I could ever miss anyone. It aches. I look at his photos in my room and sometimes I start to laugh, thinking of how great and funny he was. He really was my best friend. Sometimes I look at the photos and get extremely overwhelmed. This feeling that overcomes my body, mind and soul of complete despair. I don't know, maybe that sounds too melodramatic for all of you, but it's totally true.

Being a person of faith, strong faith in God, I find it strange to be so depressed by loss at times. I think to myself, that I should be so happy that my daddy is with God, that he is not suffering, that he is 'in a better place'. The thing is, I do think all of that, but it doesn't soften the pain for some reason. When I get confused by this, I come to realize, I am just human. I am a daughter who misses her Dad, so so much.

My friend Andrea passed away almost 4 weeks ago. The loss of this friend has broken my heart and taken a toll as well. I suppose in away it brought up a lot of stuff about losing my father that I haven't dealt with yet. Although they had different types of cancer, they had a lot of the same symptoms, were on the same medicines towards then end, had some of the same growths. Cancer is a mean horrible thing and I don't wish it on anyone, ever. It steals away the people I care about, and most likely the ones you care about, too.

Sorry for all the darkness, it's just something I am trying to work through. Grief is something that I have been going through, but is still foreign to me. I have lost a lot of people in this life. I guess just never anyone as close to me as my father. Every new emotion or thought creeps in and at times I have no idea that this is what grieving is. Sometimes it takes someone pointing it out. If any of you have some experience with this, please feel open to share.